Love, Loss, and Awakening
Why Life is Largely an Illusion
This is a very personal post, for my closest friends and those who have a personal connection to me. No one else will read it anyway because I haven’t been in touch for six months, and honestly, what I’m sharing with you now is something that concerns only you and me, and the few who will read this text to the end.
The same shit happened to the same guy twice. I messed up two important projects because I fell in love and passion for the second time. Admittedly, this happens to seasoned men. But I made the decision to surrender and allowed the risk of falling into deep passion, even though my gut feeling told me that this was not the right time for it. “You better don’t do that,” my gut feeling said. “It’s not the right time for it now.”
This Happened After Dubai, Six Months Ago
After my visit in Dubai and the incident with the stolen phone, I experienced very beautiful times where I was in love up to my ears, walking on clouds. I encountered friends, saw only paradise in front of me, in whose promise of eternal sweetness everything I planned would succeed. I completely surrendered to this dream and ultimately almost gave up my dream of traveling to Mount Kailash.
Unfortunately, a dream doesn’t work when you give up on yourself. Not even when every moment is simply beautiful, and nothing else matters. The impact in reality is particularly hard when the dream bubble of paradise bursts, and all that remains is the tense grip on what was just so beautiful. From the fear of losing my newly found paradise grew anger. My anger led to hate. My hate led to suffering. I was no longer in control of my senses and forgot everything around me.
The Gateway to my Personal Hell
In the end, I went through my personal hell because I had to face my demons. There was no other way out. I had neglected too much. In the end, I couldn’t fix anything anymore. It felt like a slow, double dying. On the one hand, I had to face a phone call and be honest. On the other hand, I had to realize that I was simply wrong in my assumptions about a person. In both cases, I had succumbed to illusions.
This may sound easy to you. But we all have something we fear in the depths of our being. You can involve me in a fight in the middle of the night or drop me off with a parachute over the desert without a phone. That’s not so bad. But admitting that I screwed up, letting go of a loved one because they are different than believed – that was hell for me.
Letting go of Illusions
Afterwards, it wasn’t so bad to go through it. In the end, it strengthened me and made me more mature. But I can tell you: When the time came, the air I breathed felt like liquid lead. It took away my breath. In the end, I could let go of my illusions because friends woke me up and were there for me, even though I had disappointed them.
I learned that the external appearances in this world are an expression of inner stories that we tell ourselves every day. 95 percent of all our thoughts in our heads are nothing more than meaningless stories. “He or she doesn’t like me,” “I can’t achieve this or that,” “What will happen next?”
Grateful for the Lessons of Life
I learned that I’m okay with all my flaws. I also learned that I can choose the stories I tell myself and others. And I can create my own reality as long as I remain realistic and authentic, honest with myself. And above all, I learned that the people around me mean very, very well. Basically, we all want the same thing: love, recognition, peace, and harmony.
I have become humble and appreciate the good connections I have with the people in my life. At this point, deep thanks to Markus, Sabine, Carmen, Ludwig, Sonia, Mechthild, Michael, Dieter, Christian, Melanie, Nils, Kevin, Volker, Kelly, Vlado, Werner, Philipp, Monika, Thomas, Gisela, Gernot, Anita, Byrd, Marscha, Katia, Ilija, Nana, and Olya for understanding important lessons in my life.
